The path to total wellness is fraught with missteps. A cheeseburger. Too many tequila shots. Skipping yoga for entire months at a time. Running out of spirulina. These are all markers of failure on an otherwise wobbly but upward path. But how does one even get on the self-directed path to wellness? Well, it starts innocently enough.

A #fitspo post on social media might pop up in your feed so you click through and “OMG!” All of a sudden you are spellbound by the endless stream of #cleaneats and #workoutwednesday posts. On and on you scroll through the rock hard bodies, beautiful layered smoothie masterpieces, and bowls upon bowls of carefully styled paleo-compliant foods. “I want this magical life,” you think.

What is it that you’ve just discovered? Welcome to the glowing, zen, vibrant world of wellness. If you choose to join us, you will be rewarded with energy! The protective power of crystals! And superhuman immunity! Not to mention, you’ll be sooooo skinny. But shhhhhh, we don’t use that word. Instead we promise you’ll look “healthy” and “strong.”

What can you expect? You may find yourself dabbling in bulletproof coffee. Yes, that’s right, you blend coffee with butter. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself waking up at 5:30AM to get to your SoulCycle class because it’s way more hardcore to do the first class of the day. Don’t ask me why, it just matters in the wonderful world of wellness!

Oh, but you’re tired? That’s weird. You should be bursting with energy from all your HITT workouts. And you’re running out of money? Oh, come on! All those supplements and adaptogenic herbs are so worth it. They are literally changing your life. Can’t you feel the difference? And no one forced you to quit your job! I mean, no one really told you to do it. It’s just that… you weren’t really living your bliss. Know what I mean, right?

Don’t give up now! You’re almost, kind of, halfway there. Sort of. You just need a ton more crystals. Like, a lot more. You’re never really going to attract all the right things without more crystals. Also, you might have to dip into your savings because you haven’t even ventured into the world of self care. HUGE! No one loves you more than you. So, now that you’re selling essential oils (entrepreneur!), you can cash in your paychecks for holistic massages, sound baths and organic facials. Only the best! You deserve it.

And don’t feel bad asking the Whole Foods employee if he can double check that the paleo tortillas you’re buying for $14 are the same ones you saw that chick on Instagram eating. It’s important that you only eat those. If you use regular tortillas, something might happen. Something bad.

So, here you are. Glowing! Clean bowels! So skinny! Oops, didn’t mean to say that. Don’t you feel great?! No? Oh. Yikes. You look really exhausted. And you only have tortillas, butter, and $10 eggs in your fridge. Your face looks weird. Not glowy at all. Kind of frowny. Are you depressed? Maybe you should go sweat! Sweating out all the bad vibes! No? Hmmm… did you try some empowerment cards? You can pull one from the deck for a positive message! Okay, maybe not that. What’s that? You want a doughnut?! Are you crazy?! The sugar! The wheat! Oh, but wait, I heard about this great place that makes them with leftover almond pulp. You will die. I posted about them last week. Did you see that post?

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